Saturday, 17 October 2009

Beneath The Sea


Beep, goes the radar. Beep. Once every ten seconds. Beep. The radar’s centrifugal search punctuated with a periodic beep each time it passes north. Beep.

He’s learnt a lot about himself in the last sixty-one days, like how long his fingernails grow before they snap into splinters; like how little food he could eat in a day. Food is a valuable commodity here, each morsel eaten by the crew members bringing their ultimate death slightly closer; the polar opposite of normality where every mouthful gives you life.

Ludwig prefers an altogether different take on circumstances. The quicker they use up the remaining food, the sooner they will face the inevitable and wither away from this living nightmare. He has no faith in rescue, indeed rejects outright any desire to be rescued, for Ludwig considers the dark, sweaty, miserably claustrophobic existence onboard the vessel, cruising in a constant circumnavigation of the globe, to be preferable to whatever might remain for them on the surface.

Alain lies flat on his bunk, staring at the ceiling less than a metre from his face. If such a trivial issue as time still mattered it would be early evening, but such things were inconsequential. They ate when their hunger began to hurt and slept when they could. Nonetheless, Alain still wore his wristwatch, the slight movements of its hands as regular as the beep of the radar and the rhythmic pulsing of the sonar. It had been a gift from his father-in-law six years ago on the event of his marriage to Claudia. It featured both gold and diamonds, once valuable and luxurious but now worthless and redundant, even though they might as well be the last diamonds on earth. He wished he couldn’t think of Claudia, but however hard he tried to dream of something abstract and absent of emotion, she returned to him: smiling in a Alsace vineyard; laughing as the water of Lac Leman sprayed into her face from his exuberant handling of the speedboat; the touch of her damson lips upon his as the Mediterranean sun through the glass walls cast her hourglass shadow over his chest. Or more recently, imagined scenes that tortured his sleep: maple hair fading to grey as it fell from her withered scalp; black clouds poisoning her as she and their village friends tried pointlessly to run from the heavy tainted skies. He would wake from these dreams drenched in sweat and panicked. It made him jealous of the swine Ludwig, whose calm acceptance of fate granted the German undisturbed rest.

There are six crew members on-board the [i]Robert Schuman[/i], the first pan-European nuclear submarine: two Spaniards, Ludwig from Hamburg, an English engineer, an Estonian and Alain. Degrees in physics and engineering had given Alain a reputation as a first-class nuclear physicist, but dedication to the European cause had led him to active service. And now he finds himself deep in the ocean, safe from the nuclear fallout that he had signed-up to prevent. Though the crew had their varied skills and different languages, they ought to be united at all times. They had been for the first few days of their current voyage, but now, in the endless winter, they were divided. Antonio, Sergei and Ludwig wanted to die; Emilio, Mark and Alain felt it was their duty to keep going for as long as possible.

All six duly got their wishes. They kept going for another week, sustained by recycled water and air, but the food ran out and death was inevitable. The Frenchman was the last to die, sustained by something raw deep inside him that for a further four days was his own nuclear reactor pushing him on after the rest of his crewmates had run out of energy. After a final dream of Claudia- her body feasted upon by cockroaches - he awoke once more covered in both sweat and tears, and then succumbed to a dreamless sleep forever.

Beep. Every ten seconds the radar beeps. Unseen and unheard, it detects a foreign submarine, ghosting past. Beep. Beep.



The Association of Motorway Users


(Membury 2014)

The flames danced in the night sky casting a glow against the backdrop of the Berkshire downs; they twisted through the building as they tore down the internal walls and caused the roof to buckle like a crumpled polystyrene beaker. A golden yellow double-arch lay cracked amidst the charred floor, its plastic melting into an indecipherable mess. In the shadows of the lorry park stood a group of men, silent but something about their collective demeanour suggested a smug satisfaction.

(Somewhere on the M4 2009)

“Of course, each of the Motorway Service Areas offers something different; they each have nuances that distinguish them from each other. Yeah, your common or garden traveller might think that they’re all identikit, these service stations. These idiots wouldn’t know Heston from Membury. Mind you, these are the numbskulls who wouldn’t even know which motorway Membury is on, the same bloody idiots who need a satellite-navigation system to get to Heathrow Airport. Me? I’ve no time or need for these modern gubbins, I’ve got Dad-Nav you see. I’ve been driving these motorways since I first got me license back in the 80s. I tell you though, how times change. In those days the M40 didn’t go beyond Oxford. Bloody Oxford! Half full of posh students and half full of pikeys. Nowadays, you don’t need me to tell you that the M40 goes right up to Brum, saves a good hour on the London-Birmingham route.”

“We’re coming up to Membury now, you know that it’s a landmark? That ruddy great big mast next door means we can see it even though we’re barely past Swindon. Gives drivers plenty of warning. Bloody good burgers there too, quick turnover of food so all freshly cooked. Totally unlike somewhere like Aust. Or Severn View as they call it now. Tucked away you see, on the old M4, it’s good for the run to Chepstow races and that’s about it. They leave burgers sitting out under lights all day; fucking filthy. We talk about it on this online forum. There’s loads of us on there: truckers, chauffeurs, travelling salesmen, people who do the airport runs. Been on it a few years now, originally it focussed on the positives: the free car parking; the clean toilets; and where you could get fresh sarnies. Recently though, there’s been a lot more criticisms. You can’t park for free for more than 2 hours. Fucking Marks and fucking Spencer, Costa bleedin’ Coffee, the service station has become like every High Street in the country.”

(Newport Pagnell 2013)

As the speaker took to the stage at the Newport Pagnell Conference Facility, fifty pairs of hands gave him a thunderous reception. With the nonchalance of an experienced politician he acknowledged the applause and pointed a casual wave at various figures in the audience. He tapped the podium loudly and motioned for the clapping to cease. He was dressed smartly in his funeral suit, a new white shirt and red tie. Appearances were important, and many of his listeners today hadn’t seen him before, only read his messages on a computer screen.

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming here today; for those who don’t know me, my name is Clyde Wilkins. Today is the dawn of a new day in our lives: the first meeting of AMU- the Association of Motorway Users. We began in different times, back in the lightness of 1998- a collection of likeminded individuals wishing to discuss the blood vessels of this country- the highways and byways that connected the major cities together and ensured a steady flow of goods, of vehicles, of people around the country. Yes, that was fifteen years ago and our first tentative posts on the mway.co.uk messageboard.”

“There was no need for our souls to meet back in those halcyon days of toll-free travel and service areas that actually served the people. But Gentlemen, times have changed. We have descended into a darkness of despair and dismay. We have become unheard, at the very time that our voices should shout loudest. The price of fuel at the pumps is at an all-time high, tax piled upon tax layered upon sky-high oil prices. The M6 toll sparked an age of pay-as-you-drive motoring, previously reserved for graceful suspension bridges and now imposed on any mile of tarmacadam within twenty miles of Birmingham and thirty of the M25. I hear the M62 will be next! The great motorway that spans the Pennines like a God laying himself down over the fires of hell- a pound a mile! The motorways were once the pride of a nation. Now they are gentrified milieux of global brands, high-price goods and lavish expense. These are dark days for the British motorway user. I look at you now, and what do I see? I see Ed there, a Felixstowe trucker who gets pay-cuts commensurate to increases in fuel duty. I see Phil and Mick, friends and partners who built their own courier business. Two gentlemen I am proud to know, whose families have been torn apart by the cost of driving in Britain today. It is in these faces, all your faces, that I see the light of a dawning sun. To all those doubters, I say we can make a difference! To all the politicians and councillors and lobbyists who have oppressed us for so long, I say we will make a change!”

Clyde paused as his audience rose to deliver an ovation. He used the minute to gather his composure and to turn on the projector, which cast a list on to the screen behind him.

“Behind me you will see our mission: a four-point manifesto to reclaim the motorways.

1. deface the vehicles of inconsiderate drivers
2. refuse to pay to park at MSAs
3. blockade the toll booths on the M25
4. campaign against the multinational chains in the MSAs

“Together, we can achieve our goal. We shall once again have the people’s motorway.”

The audience stood as one, the cheers, claps and stamping feet signalling their wholehearted agreement.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Line-'em Up Louis


Louis Munkara was approaching 40 years of age when he should have become a war hero. His story might have made the national press, but this was an era before the Sydney Morning Herald or the Age considered the indigenous population worthy of their ink and paper.

At the time, the Tiwi still hunted with their traditional tools. When they were growing up, Louis and his brother Asman had been the most accurate spear-throwers on the island, with no fish, mammal or reptile safe from their deadly aims. Teenagers still considered Louis amongst the best, but Asman had fallen in love with the drink and accordingly could never be found on a hunt. The island was meant to be dry, but ever since a trip to Darwin in 1931 Asman had enjoyed a beer. And the beer liked him too.

Meanwhile Louis was held up as a paragon by the Tiwi. Though far from a scholar, he was well-versed from the books held by the small Church, having learnt to read from the scriptures when he was in his 20s. Wise enough to respect the kin, he supported Asman whenever possible, not by preaching- for he was not a man of the cloth- but virtuously trying to steer his younger brother to a path where his health could not fade rapidly and where he was minimal harm to his four children.

For most of the islanders, the world was simple: Bathurst Island was the core of their construal of Earth. Neighbouring Melville Island was like a brother across the Apsley Straight, but beyond was the rest of Australia- even Darwin was like a stolen cousin, recognisable on the horizon but essentially a stranger to them all- and then a vague notion of the rest of the world. For all the Munkara brothers knew, Berlin was somewhere the other side of Canberra and Japan was on the moon.

Such is the perception of clans who had been self-sufficient for thousands of years and then, within half a century, whose world had begun to change: the white man visited and bought with him alcohol, non-indigenous tools and modern methods of communication.

Louis was squatting on a small knoll, showing his son Marcus how to skin a goanna when he saw the strangers walking up the track from the beach; three men, dressed identically, wheeled a box behind them, their tan shirts dark under the armpits. Curious, Louis watched them march up the road towards the church, where Father McGrath met them on the doorstep with a handshake, ushering them inside.

“Who they be?” asked Marcus innocently.

“They be trouble son,” replied his father “but no trouble for you. Here, use the knife here see, slide it under his skin.”

The blood gushing from the goanna’s split belly drew Marcus’s attention away from the white men, but Louis couldn’t help but look concerned towards the church. One thing he was sure of was that white men on the island meant some kind of trouble for someone.

That evening, mass was held in the circular, open-sided church concurrent to a typically spectacular sunset. Afterwards, Father McGrath nervously asked a few men to stop behind and he escorted Louis, David Rioli, Solomon Mungarawara and Billy Tudawali into his sleeping quarters, where he pointed at the box that Louis had seen earlier. In his crisp colonial dialect, he explained his unease.

“Gentlemen, you will know from my earlier masses that there is a war going on. Australia are fighting with our British brothers against a horrid, evil dictatorship. Japan is one of the enemy countries, and the fighting has spread through Asia and across the oceans. Three men visited me earlier today from the Australian Army. They consider that Japan may attack the country from the air, maybe sending planes to bomb Darwin Harbour.” The elderly missionary glanced at the four men, noticing their perplexed faces.

“They want us to be able to defend ourselves if necessary.”

A smile immediately made its way across Louis’s dark face, baring his yellowing teeth. “Father, if an enemy comes near me, I’ll raise my spear. If I can kill wallaby, I can kill man.”

The others laughed, but Father McGrath shook his head.

“Mr Munkara, I appreciate your humour. But I fear that not even the most accurate spear-thrower such as you would be able to defend against men with guns and grenades, let alone aeroplanes. With respect, the Lord says that ‘Thou Shall Not Kill’ and I uphold His word. However, the Army have provided us with another means to protect ourselves.”

He slowly leant down to the box, his knee clicking as the joint bent. With a grimace, his weathered fingers unclasped its lid, and the priest opened it up. Four pairs of eyes peered inside and gleamed as they saw the rifle.

***

In the weeks following the army’s brief visit, little changed in Nguiu; the seasonal deluges of the wet season continued, accompanied by tremendously violent thunderstorms. One morning Louis went to visit Asman on his way back from a morning’s fishing, with the intention of giving him some fresh snapper to cook for lunch. As he approached, he registered the sound of a toddler wailing; panicked, he broke into a sprint, jumped up the steps leading to the porch and burst through the door with a shout to his brother. But Asman was in no position to hear, sprawled on his back across the floor naked apart from a pair of shorts and with a large egg forming on the side of his head. Empty bottles were scattered around the room, and Louis’s stomach rolled when he noticed the lingering urine smell and dark stains around Asman’s crotch. Brotherly concern replacing his initial disgust, he leant in and brushed his cheek with the palm of his hand, feeling the scars and stubble, grateful to feel the slight gust of exhaled air and witness the simultaneous undulation of his chest. Hopping up, he moved out towards the back of the home following the sound of the child, calling softly to his nephew Pindari.

The four-year old was cowering underneath the large wooden table, but he emerged running into Louis’s leg upon seeing his uncle. Louis easily lifted the boy’s small thin frame from the dirty dusty floor and cradled him in his rippling arms.

“Easy now child, no need to cry dear Pindari, Louis is here now.”

He gave his nephew a mug of water and stroked his curly hair whilst pondering what he should do with his brother. Clearly he was drunk out of his mind, and in no state to care for Pindari. Luckily his other three sons were all old enough to look after themselves.

He run the tap to fill a second mug and walked purposely over to this brother. The effect of the water on his forehead was immediate; Asman jolted upright, shocked and disoriented, before falling back down, his head crashing into the pillow of floorboard.

“You bastard,” whispered Louis, before aiming a firm boot to his brother’s side. “Asman! Get up.”

This time Asman’s eyes stayed open, and an angry look of pain crossed his face. Although he moved his lips, words were evidently a long way off still. Lifting Asman’s head with his palm, Louis offered the cup of water, letting a slight amount trickle over the rim and onto his crisp lips. Something almost imperceptible in his face suggested an acknowledgement of gratitude and thankfulness, but Louis cared little.

“Right then Asman. You listen in to your brother now, and take a look at young Pindari here,” he said, urgently. “He’s coming with me, I will look after him for now. If you want to see him, you let me know. But only if you be sober. If you drunk man, you don’t see your son.”

He stared at his brother, saddened that he had to take such a step, but deep inside knowing that this was necessary, as much for Asman’s sake as for Pindari’s. Asman merely glazed back at him, his body and mind still finely balanced on the cusp of being drunk and being hungover.

***

As February progressed, the islanders began to notice the Japanese aeroplanes flying over their heads more regularly, often low and fast on their way to Darwin. The whirring buzz of the Nakajima bombers would start the local dogs barking, frighten off the birdlife and, if at night, awake the whole population. Then one night early in March 1942, Louis was awoken from his deep sleep. Sitting up on his mattress, be blinked for a moment to gather his senses, and realised the noise of the plane was getting louder. Somewhere close by, a disturbed dingo howled and a baby cried. And then the noise fell away into a momentary silence, followed by a devastating boom and quieter splash. Despite his sudden awakening, it was obvious to Louis that the plane had crashed into the sea, close to the village.

By the time the sun had begun its ascent and the night sky was beginning to turn to shades of indigo and blue, many of the villagers had walked excitedly to the beach, eager to ascertain what had happened. Jutting out of the water about fifty metres offshore, still gloomy in the dawn light, was the wing of the plane, like an over-sized shark fin. The wreck was ominously silent, apart from the gentle waves of the sea lapping against the metal aerofoil. Its crew were nowhere to be seen. Meanwhile, three of the island’s teenagers were energetically preparing to swim out to the plane for a closer inspection; this was a different form of fun for them that they did not want to forego. Racing down to the waterline, their bare feet skimming over the sand, their joyful boyish laughs made the soundless craft in the sea seem somewhat alien.

“Stop!” David Rioli’s powerful tenor bellowed across the beach, causing the three teens to skid to a halt and their heads to turn simultaneously in his direction.

“Don’t even think about going in the water,” he said, jogging over to them. “And you know why.”

The boys still laughed. “We be okay Sir,” said one of them smugly. “No trouble.”

“No, you listen. Box jellyfish is one thing, that’s your risk. But we don’t know nothing about the plane. It be dangerous, and you boys stay clear, you here. You not going near it on my watch, right?” He pointed a finger at each of them in turn, but could not help but smile.

“But once we know it’s safe, you can be first out there. But not before, right?” his smiled broadened. “But if jellyfish sting you, it your fault boys!”

The boys nodded appreciatively, but their slumped shoulders showed their dejection.

“I tell you what,” said David. “I’ll take this mob back to Nguiu, and you three stay here keeping watch right. Just no go in the water.”

With that, he clapped his hands, and began ordering the remainder of the gathered crowd back towards the village.

Louis had already gone back to Father McGrath’s house to talk about the crash, and found the priest sitting in his kitchen, trying to contact the authorities in Darwin.

“Blasted telephone!” exclaimed McGrath. “Oh, sorry!” he apologised when he realised Louis was standing patiently in the doorway, trying to get his attention.

“Morning Sir. An eventful night! And I daresay an eventful day is ahead of us too,” said the Priest, tapping the receiver. “Hello? Hello?”

“You having trouble there?” asked Louis.

“These darn telephones never seem to work. I tell you, I can’t see them ever catching on if they’re as unreliable as this.”

Louis nodded in agreement with the Priest, both of them stalling for time. Both were aware of the importance of the crash, but neither wanted to have the responsibility of instigating anything about it. But the men’s chat was interrupted by a burst of commotion outside, bringing them back to the doorway.

“Come quick Mr Munkara!” cried a boy of about 12, wearing nothing but a small pair of shorts, his dark body already beginning to develop the muscles of a man.

“What happening boy?” asked Louis, striding down the steps that led to the front lawn.

“There be strange men in the bush Sir! Me and Eddie here seen them, they’re not like us, and not white man neither!”

The priest and Louis exchanged worried glances knowingly. “One moment, hold on there,” he said.

Searching through the army box that still lay in the house, Louis found the gun, first aid kits and other ancillary items, but something puzzled him, “Father, where are the bullets?” he asked.

“Oh, there’s only one bullet Mr Munkara; the Captain said that they couldn’t afford to spare any more for us,” replied McGrath in an embarrassed tone.

Louis emerged back outside, the morning sun now high enough to cast shortening shadows. He instructed the boys to quickly find Mr Rioli, Mr Mungarawara and Mr Tudawali and to bring them back to this point immediately, whilst Louis jogged down the track to his own house. His son was on the small patch of grass that passed for a garden, kicking a football with Pindari. At the site of his father running down the track, Marcus smiled and punted a high kick spinning rapidly on its pinpoint trajectory. Without breaking stride Louis caught the ball at head-height and bounced it twice, before punching it back to his son.

“And that’s a great handball to Munkara, who finds himself in the pocket. He’s got a chance at goal, five points down and twenty seconds to go in the Grand Final!”

Maurice carefully held the ball, and feigned a movement to his right.

“But Munkara is under pressure here, he sees Pindari in space to his left…” Louis’s voice quickened and rose in volume, whilst Maurice fisted the ball over to his cousin. The small boy, barely older than a toddler managed to grab hold of the ball despite it being the length of his chest; he dropped it onto his right foot, and sent it arcing towards the side gate.

“That’s a great kick from Pindari, it’s looking good! It is is good! Pindari scores and he wins the Grand Final with the last kick of the match!”

The boys skipped into the air delighted as Louis ran and grabbed them both into the air, laughing and smiling. “Great kick boy!”

Placing the kids back on the ground, Louis bent down and looked intently at them both.

“Boys, I’ve got to go out in the bush- got some serious business to do. You going to be alright here?”

Maurice nodded and smiled, but Pindari meekly said nothing. “And if you need anything you go find Father McGrath yes?” Louis added, kissing them in turn on the crests of their heads.

***

The party stealthily walked through the bush, using their skills that had been passed down over hundreds of generations. The two boys who had first located the strangers led the way, bounding forwards eager to show their find to the elders; David, Solomon and Billy followed with their spears by their sides, and Louis brandishing the rifle in his hands. Despite the bogginess of the land from the daily thunderstorms, they progressed swiftly; the dense scrub caused no obstacle for these men of the land. Three miles out from the village, the boys paused.

“Over here,” they beckoned, leading them down a slope towards a small billabong. Almost hidden amongst the eucalyptus trees were the men, wearing identical uniforms. Three were standing together, talking quietly, and a fourth was squatting down. As Louis and his team approached, they noticed a fifth, lying on the ground, partially covered by the undergrowth. Large pieces of circular cloth appeared to be haphazardly discarded around them, one dangling from the branches of a tree.

Without much of a plan apart from their natural hunting instinct, the Tiwi boys charged towards the soldiers, startling the men who upon seeing their bare, black, almost purple torsos, shrunk backwards. Their fright increased as they saw the taller men emerge in front of them, three five-foot long barbed spears pointing directly towards them. Their hands shot upwards in surrender.

“Should we bring them back to Nguiu?” asked Billy.

David shook his head. “The white man gave us the gun to defend the country. I guess we must use it.”

“But shouldn’t we keep them alive? You know, as our prisoners?”

“Prisoners?” said Solomon. “Didn’t you hear Father McGrath? We are at war, whether we like it or not!”

“I have nothing against these men,” explained Louis. “But also I have no reason to befriend them. If it is Father McGrath’s wish…”

He grabbed the arm of the nearest airman, and pushed him up against a tree, ignoring his shouts.

“You stand there!” he called, gesticulating with the gun. He then manoeuvred the other three to the tree as well, lining them up in a row. “Stand there like that.”

The fifth airman was still lying on the ground, groaning as his green shirt slowly turned claret. His leg was angled obtusely.

“Hey Billy, lift this dapper here, move him along.”

Ignoring the wail of pain, Billy picked the man up like he was a branch, and positioned him between two of the others, propped up on his one good leg.

“Where you mob from?” asked Louis, but they stared blankly at him, petrified by this beast of a man and unable to understand the mix of Tiwi tongue and accented English.

“Why you come to Nguiu?” demanded David. “What you doing here?”

The airmen still could not understand, but noticed the anger and frustration in David’s voice. Louis inspected the gun, caressing it in his hand. He’d seen one many years ago, but this was one different, larger. Still, he assumed that it would work in the same manner. The airmen stood in a row, the injured man whimpering with pain. Five pairs of eyes were flitting between the gun and the spears, fearful of what these strange beasts of men would do, yet still defiant that the Japanese were superior to these savages.

With the heads of the airmen lined up in a row, Louis placed the barrel of the rifle against the temple of the closest airman, who started to shake and cry. Praying silently, Louis braced himself, and glanced at his friends. Was this right? Was this the behaviour of a man of God? Could five men be killed with a solitary shot? One bullet to end the lives of these soldiers; just strangers from an unknown place far away from the Tiwi Islands?

***

That night, after he had kissed his son goodnight and cocooned his nephew in a blanket, Louis went to visit his brother. The front door of Asman’s house was open, as was the mesh panel that usually covered the doorway. Calling out, Louis entered, but the house was empty. In the back room that in another dwelling would pass for a lounge there was the mouldy chair and an empty bottle on the floor. Sighing, Louis kicked the bottle into the corner, and spun around, out of the house.

It had been a long day, and he still wanted to go to church to pray, particularly after the incident with the airmen in the bush. But he had to find his drunken brother.

Thursday, 17 September 2009

The Greatest Mind


Let me tell you about the greatest mind I ever knew: a mind that could find out anything about anyone and use that knowledge to their advantage; a mind that could uncover deep secrets and darkest thoughts and twist and turn other minds into quicksand.

Mario Roccofantana was a rising star. Half a decade ago he had graduated from the circus and fairground circuit to performing in student unions and the clubs that still characterised working-class towns in the north of England. Since then he had moved into more lucrative work, attending events organized by local radio, appearing in front of bigger audiences, and had recently made his television debut and was about to sign a contract for his own show. However despite his rising stock, it was a surprise to all in the business when he was booked as a performer at the Royal Varsity Show alongside behemoths of light-entertainment like Bruce Forsyth and Cilla Black.

Tickets for the event were at a premium, the dedicated showbusiness fans queuing for long mornings, holding for hours on telephone lines and haggling and fighting with each other for the best seat. Daisy Withernshawe and Sally Murdoch were amongst the privileged, sat in the front row in the direct view of the cameras. Veterans of these events, the middle-aged friends- who had made the long journey down from Accrington by National Express- were slightly perturbed when the vacant seat to their right was claimed by a jacket-and-jeans chap with goatee beard when they had been hoping for at least someone recognizable, maybe someone off the telly.

Mario stole the show. His uncanny acts of clairvoyance had the audience enraptured. He informed Sally the names of her childhood dogs (Charlie and Goldie) and knew that a dozen of the 4000-strong audience had been born on the 1st March. Even the Prince of Wales was not immune from his incredible feats, Mario proudly reading his mind and naming his favourite vegetable (potato), what he had eaten for breakfast (toast and eggs) and the colour of his socks (black). The press immediately described him as the best mind-reader in the country.

Back in Accrington two days later, a tearful Daisy rang her friend. She explained between sniffs and sobs that someone had accessed her bank account and taken all her money. Sally was scornful at first, knowing Daisy was often woolly-minded, but when she went to Lloyd’s the next day she too found she had no money to her name.

Later that week a friendly tall policeman visited Sally.

“Miss Murdoch, we have investigated your report for you, and have also looked into the claim of your friend Miss Withernshawe,” he said calmly.

“Have you found anything? Do you know where my money is?” asked Sally.

“I’m afraid we don’t know the whereabouts of the money, but have liaised with the bank and can tell you that the funds were withdrawn from a branch near Covent Garden in London. Tell me, have you been to London recently?”

“Well, yes. We went there last week!” exclaimed a shocked Sally. “Daisy and I attended the Royal Variety Performance.”

“Okay,” said DI Wilson. “I will speak with the Met and ask them to investigate further.”

News of the thousands of cleared bank accounts had jumped onto the front pages of the newspapers. Someone had known passwords, forged signatures and obtained PINs. Credit cards were also part of the fraud, with huge debts incurred. But the stories soon fell from the headlines once the news of the Prince of Wales being blackmailed broke, sparked from an anonymous tip-off to the Daily Mirror. A long-held, closely-guarded secret, one that would rock the established royal and political worlds, would be revealed to the BBC, unless the Prince paid the unknown blackmailer millions of pounds. Of course, rumours soon swirled around the media like a tornado through a cornfield.

The police didn’t have to wait long though. There was a clear link between the Prince and the victims of the robberies and frauds: they had all attended the Varsity Show.

They swooped in on Mario Roccofantana like bulls charging through narrow streets, dozens of officers in panda cars, riot vans, on foot and on horseback, followed by a rumpus of reporters and a pandemonium of photographers. He offered no resistance, but managed to give the press a few words before being bundled under a blanket into the back of the wagon: “I saw this coming! Proof that Mario Roccofantana is the greatest psychic in the world today!”

The television news rushed to applaud the police for preventing public humiliation for the Royal Family. However the public voiced a different opinion; the word on the street and in the pubs and over garden fences and in staff canteens was that Mario Roccofantana was an anti-hero. He had proved the telepathy-doubters wrong, he had waged war with the Monarchy and the establishment and had come close to winning. His name echoed through conversations and he seemed destined to join the elite ranks of the criminals held in high-esteem publically.

That’s the story of Mario Roccofantana. He was found guilty of several charges and jailed for a year in Reading, relegating Oscar Wilde to its second-most famous resident.

But what was really interesting was what happened whilst Mario was inside signing autographs for wardens and guards. Firstly there was a news article about a fraudster using Bruce Forsyth’s personal details to hire high-class hookers across Europe. Then Cilla Black arrived at Guildford Police Station to report that someone had breached security at her mansion, emptied her property of all her possessions, and stolen her car. And then concurrent with the Prince of Wales admitting to bankruptcy, a goateed man in jeans and a jacket arrived in the parking court of a luxurious Prague hotel in an Aston Martin with the registration C1LLA, a blonde draped in the passenger seat and three suitcases full of cash.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Station Story


When Brunel designed and built London Paddington, he sure wouldn’t have envisaged this. Grand arches spanning the sky above these platforms, the departure point for Victorian dandies heading for a new world on the Great Western. Designed for an age of steam, the age of discovery, the station is no longer even a terminus. It’s an exchange. A trading place where the Capital’s commodities are inputted, processed and outputted. Not one of us thousands are here for pleasure or out of choice. No, we’re here because we’re compelled to work. The great macro-system of contemporary ‘glocalised’ synergy that continually perpetuates itself relies on workers as its feed, as its energy. It’s all about services today, of course. And the service needs servicing, the servants must be serviced. The station sucks us in from across the Home Counties, masticates us up into indistinguishable pulp and draws us down into the various digestive tracts of its belly. It’s 8.03 in the morning and I’m in the oesophagus, heading towards the intestinal tube-lines that take us all to different orifices where we are crapped out into our respective offices.

We have no time to halt. My sister told me once that there’s a statue of Brunel himself in the station. But I’ve been travelling through this station twice a day for over four years and have never once been able to pause and hunt out this sculpture. There is no time for art, not when it’s twenty seven minutes to logging-on time and I’ve not yet been able to drink my cup of impossibly lavatic coffee, firstly because of the risk of scalding my mouth and secondly because it is difficult to drink something whilst trying to balance on the train like a surfer on his board, juggling not only the polystyrene cup but also a laptop bag, mobile phone, newspaper and briefcase; items which should create the impression that I am actually a worthy, important executive and not the worthless, unimportant underling that I really am. Maybe the day after I retire in thirty-something years’ time I will come back here once more and gaze at this alleged statue. Perhaps I will use the available time to leisurely buy some noodles. Hell, I could even purchase some London-themed paraphernalia from that kiosk, either a postcard of Buckingham Palace or a Teddy Bear wearing a knitted Union Jack.

The mass begins its descent down into the bowels of the Underground, like a migrating herd of beasts, only small details such as the newspaper of choice or our particular shades of dark trouser distinguishing ourselves apart. Personally, I favour the Daily Telegraph though if truth be told, I normally hide the Sun inside it; today, the trousers are charcoal, distinct from yesterday’s battleship and tomorrow’s slate. In front of me someone- the Independent and chocolate brown slacks- is struggling with his oyster card, causing a concertina effect. Dozens of moans and groans are silently hurled in his general vicinity, but the dense mass is unable to circumvent this obstruction.

I reach the top of the escalator. I only spend one minute on this thing each day, but I feel like I know it better than my own bed. I know the sequence of advertisements on the wall: I can tell you the ticket-price for performances of Mamma Mia! and can advise on the opening times of each London museum. Stepping on to the top step, I momentarily stare into the bristled head of the chap in front of me and can inspect the individual specks of dandruff on his coat collar. Disgusted, I lean onto the handrail and gaze at the adjacent ascending stairs.

There are only three people rising towards me, she’s at the foot but stands out from the surrounding plain commuters. Her hair is ruby-red, presumably not its natural colour but it is an intense fiery look that spins heads and would distract the most sombre watchmaker from the task at hand. Beneath this captivating top is a softer face, pale and tapering towards the chin. Her lips are clasped shut, but the eyes hint at something fragile within. Immediately, I feel like encasing her in cotton wool as a form of protection from the dust and grime of British public transport. She’s wearing a white t-shirt with yellow lettering, slightly incongruous for the current weather, but polar in comparison with the dull suits of us commuters. I regret that I am dressed identically as the mass, and wish that I had the charisma and swagger to wear something that would scream at her that I AM DIFFERENT.

As we slide closer, I see that she is listening to something through earphones. Clearly some cool new band whose singer is no doubt writing songs about her. I mentally resolve to buy the NME this week and to stop listening to U2. She’s within a few metres now, and unbelievably is looking at me! She smiles and a thousand fireworks explode. We pass by, and I swivel to keep her in my view. With a shake of that glorious red mane, she finally turns away, and ascends into the brightness of the heavens. If anyone can reclaim Paddington for its original purpose of awe and adventure and excitement it is her.

With a start, I realise I’ve reached the bottom of the escalator and am holding up the queue of disgruntled commuters. Grunting an apology, I head into the uncomfortable stuffy guts of the Underground, but then turn back, knocking aside these trundling clones and dropping the still-too-hot coffee cup. Running up the escalator acts to unchain my shackles that restrained my spirits; curtains have been thrown wide open casting the sun upon my face. I sprint across the concourse in the direction of the redhead, who’s stopped and is leaning on Brunel’s statue. So that’s where it is.

“Hi.” I say, “sorry, but do you fancy going somewhere?”

“Where to?” she responds, still smiling at me.

“Anywhere you want.”

Saturday, 15 August 2009

On the Plane to Ouagadougou

On the plane to Ouagadougou
Sit a varied bunch of people
A priest, two bankers and a thief
A salesman and a scoundrel

The pilot gives his instructions
The crew act out their charade
Mr Albuquerque gazes out the window
And his wife scrawls a postcard

Two lovers sit together
Hands entangled and feet in the aisle
Daring not to kiss in public
But a love showing in their smiles

At the back of the aeroplane
Is hunched a poorly man
In cheap suit, cheap shoes
Cheap bracelet, and cheap tan

His wife a cow dressed as a calf
Sits polishing her nails
Fed up with husband’s poor health
And all the problems which that entails

Receding hairline of silver and coal
Greying around his chops
Crinkle-cut skin and bloodshot eyes
And a harrowingly painful cough

Blowing his nose on a handkerchief
He looks around in disgust
At the plane full of secrets
And all these people with lives never discussed

Bankers spending others’ money
The thief taking everything he wants
A rogue with slick wandering hands
The priest who dips his fingers in the font

He slowly rises from his seat
And heads to the romantic couple
Quietly announces to them both
That something suggests some trouble

They’ve got rings on their fingers
But he questions her commitment
Would she even have asked the question
If she hadn’t have been pregnant?

He kneels in front of the salesman
Enjoying a glass of wine
Says ‘I know you’ve been on the rob
Perhaps you should resign?’

Mrs A has gone to the ladies’ cubicle
So he approaches the vacant seat
Says ‘Pedro, I know you’re having an affair
But I don’t believe in deceit’

Mr Albuquerque looks up in shock
At this gruesome man
‘But don’t fret dear Pedro for I also know
Your wife’s slept with another man’

He sits back down in his seat
And glances at his wife
Says ‘I know you never loved me
But tomorrow’s the last day of my life’

‘So I tell the truth and can’t tell a lie
I’ve passed my illness onto you’
He smiled as his wife began to cry
On the plane to Ouagadougou



Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Keep Going


That was my innings. The damp stickiness of the grass underfoot made me appreciate my spiked boots. I had bowled well before, but that day was extraordinary, I performed like no man had ever done. The Nottinghamshire batsmen had no idea how to bat on that Headingley sponge, and the merry folk of Leeds cheered me on as ball-by-ball I spun Yorkshire into a commanding lead. Eighteen overs and five balls without conceding a run, that’s 113 consecutive dot balls. All the opponents could do was try to defend.

“Try to defend!” I yell over the noise of the screaming tracer-bullets. The men either ignore me or can’t hear, so I reach deep into my faltering lungs and squeeze the air into a louder cry.

“The farmhouse, try to protect the farmhouse!” The yellowing crops swish and fray around the company, lying as one flat on our stomachs trying to shelter from the never-ceasing Italian guns. What lousy protection I think to myself, an acre of two-feet tall corn versus bullets, mortar fire and fire-bombs. And whilst staring deeply at the sullen Sicilian earth a mere nose-length from my face, the cornfield is suddenly illuminated by dramatic flames, the Italian assault finally having its desired result on the gnarled trees along the edge of the field two hundred yards to my left. Soon the whole parched cornfield will be a relentless inferno, so we have to move as fast as possible. Drawing up onto my knees, head perilously close to the horizon of corn, I summon my men, point to the east in the general direction of Catania and cry out “keep going, keep going!”


“Keep going Hedley,” my skipper urged me. I tossed the ball nonchalantly from right-hand to left, then spinning it back across my wrist. Of course I would keep going, with eight wickets to my name already I wasn’t about to let anyone else wrap the tail up. The Nottinghamshire fast bowler Bill Voce ambled towards the wicket, his bat wielded like a scythe in his cumbersome arms. He gave me a look of belittling contempt; odd considering that Ol’ Bill was a number-ten batsman. I remembered his spell of fast bowling at me from our first innings, when he sent the ball whistling past my neck at a frightening pace. Poor Bill, he wasn’t going to stand a chance on this spinner’s paradise, thanks to the inclement July rain that had rumbled down from Ilkley Moor and turned Headingley into a suet pudding.

Once he had taken middle-and-leg guard, he peered off through the gloom at the boundary ropes, checking on the position of the fielders. Sorry Bill Old Chap, but no fielders out there; if he’d looked under his nose, he’d have seen a collection of slips, short legs and silly points crouched there. Four steps, a gentle skip, and I landed by the stumps, my body twisting around my right-foot as I propelled the ball. Poor Bill didn’t know whether to play front or back or in the direction of Bradford as the ball pitched on a length and spat slowly around his dangling leg, but he managed to clip it with his bat, sending it into the waiting pouched hands of Holmes: out for a duck and nine wickets down. The Yorkshire chaps all bounded towards me, Arthur Sellers even clapped me on the back, exclaiming “that’s your hat-trick, Hedley!”

I beamed at Arthur and accepted his congratulations, “thanks, I don’t think the last wicket will be long now Captain.”

“It won’t be long now Captain”, shouts my Corporal no louder than a whisper in my ear. “We must turn back, or else it’ll turn into a massacre.”

I turn my face towards him, casting my eye over this twenty-year old ploughman from Devon. “We must carry on and get them out the farmhouse. Keep going!”

What do I know about combat? I sent the platoon to the farmhouse, and now they’re in there in full sight of the approaching Italian army with their array of superior weapons. I sent them there, I’m their Captain, and it is my responsibility to help them out. I shuffle awkwardly back through the corn, helped by the path I had trampled only fifteen minutes previously. Silhouetted against the flames behind them I can see figures waving at me. It is difficult to count precisely their number, but it cannot be more than ten, fewer even than a cricket team. In the space of a few hours, I’ve decimated a platoon and widowed wives. God knows how I can cope with this, but it makes me more determined to save those few remaining. I am their Captain after all, in this multi-sided timeless Test Match, only I can’t declare, can never retire not out. And as I approach the young accountants, bricklayers and foresters masquerading as soldiers, I feel my chest explode and my legs collapse as I hit the ground
.

The ground rose as one as the delighted wicketkeeper nudged the bail off its perch, and I shook the umpire’s outstretched hand.

An outstretched hand appears in my limited eye-sight, and I feel it mopping my brow. I think I was unconscious, but now I feel the pain drilling, roaring through my chest again. The owner of the hand, starts to speak in a breezy female Italian accent.

“How do you feel Captain Verity?”

“How do you feel Mr Verity?” asked the reporter for The Yorkshire Evening Post. What a mad question I thought. I’d just recorded the best bowling figures ever, ten wickets for only ten runs, what could I feel other than like I was on top of the world?

The world slows down around me and I feel myself drifting off somewhere peaceful. Mercifully the pain slowly subsides and inch by inch, pound by pound, my body begins to rest. I know what this means, as darkness descends around me the bad light is stopping play. And that was my innings.